#19: Slice slice baby 🍕
Big ass pizza rankings, cocktail disappointment, BLT blue balls
I probably don’t have to tell you that aging frat bro and founder of Barstool Sports, Dave Portnoy, was recently in Charlotte. There’s been an almost nauseating amount of buzz over his viral “One Bite” pizza reviews.
I did not even know who this man was before last week (shocker) but I did, out of curiosity, watch his Charlotte takes. He was pretty harsh towards the Queen City’s pizza establishments, the highest rating being 7.8, going to Bird Pizzeria.
Watching the review reels, it’s very hard to take this man seriously. He gets all his pizzas to-go, rattles off the name of the place (while also hocking the moisture-wicking clothing brand he’s wearing), takes a singular bite outside on the sidewalk and then announces a random rating.
I could decipher no reasoning or methodology behind any of his ratings. I know he had a sick time bass fishing on Lake Norman but I could not tell you what he’s looking for in a pizza or why Charlotte didn’t measure up for ol’ Dave.
By the end of my investigative research, I was left pretty puzzled by all the anticipation and chatter around his “reviews”, mostly because I know Charlotte has good pizza. I’m also not sure why anyone landed on Portnoy as the arbiter of taste here. I’d maybe trust his take on who’s going to win the Super Bowl, but I think if you gave this guy a slice of Sbarro pizza in an unmarked box he’d give it a 10/10.
So while everyone is on their high horses about the best pizza, let me ask you: What’s the best pizza you’ve ever had?
For me and the few people I asked over the past week, it’s actually a hard question to answer. I couldn’t think of one specific pizza. I do remember eating Hungry Howie’s at the pool in the summer when I was 10 and ordering Pokey Stix from Gumby’s in college at 2 a.m. Or stumbling over to Benny’s for a huge slice after doing karaoke. I know I’ve eaten much more elevated pizzas but I can’t recall any of them.
I’d be willing to bet that whatever your favorite pizza is, it’s attached to a core memory. Maybe it’s the spot your family always went to growing up or a neighborhood joint you ordered from when you first moved here. Maybe it’s the pizza from your school cafeteria or your go-to slice after finishing a late shift at work. When we seek out “good” pizza, we’re ultimately looking for a style and taste that feels familiar to us, something that feels like comfort.
Whenever I’m in the throes of hangxiety, I crave Hungry Howie’s cheese pizza with sesame crust. I never thought much about it until reflecting on my pizza proclivities for this newsletter, but it makes sense. That pizza reminds me of being 10 years old. It reminds me of wearing a big t-shirt, having chlorine soaked hair and getting ready to watch Sabrina the Teenage Witch. For a brief moment, I can transport myself to another place in time where I didn’t drink two dirty martinis and overshare at dinner.
I wouldn’t consider myself the ultimate judge of good pizza and, if I’m being honest, I think there’s a level to which pizza can’t really improve. It’s like mac and cheese. It’s just good on it’s face. Even “bad” pizza can be satisfying if you’re craving the comfort of gooey cheese and bread.
What I do know is that I love a big ass slice of pizza and there are at least three places in Charlotte that serve them. Last week I tried all three and decided to rank them in honor of this week’s pizza Ted Talk.
For consistency, I kept it classic and ordered pepperoni at all three spots. All of them have a pretty wide assortment of other topping options but I figure, if you can’t handle pepperoni, you probably shouldn’t be making pizza. I also added parmesan and red pepper flakes to each.
#3: Zämbies in NoDa
Before we talk za, it’s important for me to inform you that this place is pronounced like “zombies”. It’s weird but it’s true.
I’ll admit this slice is handsome and I appreciated the amount of pepperonis as well as how they formed themselves into tiny meat cups. There was a respectable cheese to sauce ratio and the crust had great flavor (maybe a little garlic mixed in the dough?). They come in at #3 because of the grease level. It’s hard to tell in the photo but there was a lot of grease on this puppy. If you’re eating Portnoy-style (on the sidewalk), it’s going to be hard to avoid dripping it on yourself.
It’s also worth mentioning there is very little seating in there. It’s a solid option if you’re looking for a quick to-go slice after drinking wine at Bar à Vins but if you’ve got a bigger group, take a little walk down the street.
#2: Benny Pennello’s in NoDa
If you walk further down North Davidson, you’ll end up at Benny’s, which surprisingly took the #2 spot for me. For transparency, I tried both Zämbies and Benny’s in the same night and I wasn’t super hungry or looking forward to a second slice.
But I soldiered on and this slice took me by surprise. This slice was the widest of the three, which I’m not sure matters but I am noting it. The pepperonis, although not cupped, were copious and crispier than Zämbies. The crust also had a perfect amount of crispiness (drink every time I say crispy) to it and I preferred the flavor even though it didn’t have the hint of garlic. The crust was also thicc, if you’re into that. The slice was less greasy overall and had a tad more sauce and cheese, which I deeply enjoyed.
Ambiance-wise, Benny’s feels like a pizza joint in a college town. You’ll probably be served by someone wearing Doc Marten’s who’s a little mean to you, but that’s part of the appeal. I want my pizza made by a guy who was smoking a joint and blasting screamo music in his car before his shift.
#1: PIE.ZAA in South End
This slice stole the number one spot along with my heart. It was hands down the best of the three. The pepperonis were both cupped AND crispy. The crispiest of all. I only wish there were more of them. The crust had a perfect crisp, too. Barely any flop. There was almost no grease at all, which made me feel like I was really eating clean.
The cheese on this pizza did my absolute favorite thing where it's bubbles up and gets golden brown in spots. Heaven. The ratio of cheese to sauce struck the ideal balance and imo this slice had the best overall flavor of the three. I’m not lying when I say I could have eaten a second one.
Location-wise, South End isn’t ideal but it’s still worth it. It’s an easy spot to pop into after having beers at Wooden Robot or after leaving a show at Amos’ Southend. There’s a decent amount of seating inside, so you don’t have to eat on the sidewalk. It’s also worth mentioning they have a lot of dipping sauces. I tried the ranch and it was possibly the best ranch I’ve ever had?
Although I loved PIE.ZAA the most, all the pizzas I tried were solid. I don’t know where they would fall on the Portnoy scale but they filled me with cheese, comfort and pure joy. They scratched my pizza itch and made me feel like a kid again. That’s what pizza is supposed to be about, right?
5 things I consumed this week in Charlotte
Del Rio ($15) from Idlewild. I asked for something spirit-forward with tequila, hoping for a sort of tequila old fashioned. This had a bitter liquor in it called Bruto Americano, which threw me off but they’ve made other variations based on my original request that I’ve loved.
French 75 ($17) from Chief’s. This was not a winning French 75. The bubbles lacked a bite to them and the whole thing was too sweet. This is a pretty standard drink to mess up at a cocktail spot. Wasn’t impressed with my second visit here.
30 lady bugs ($3.50) from Renfrow’s Hardware. Yes, you can buy live lady bugs for your garden in a bag. Sadly, I think most of them died after their release (RIP) so I will be doing research on how to be a better lady bug mother.
Stacked BLT ($12.99) from Culture Shop. I normally love this BLT. I was craving it for lunch one day and got it to-go, which was a mistake. There’s so much tomato on this sandwich that it has to be eaten right after ordering or else it gets soggy. The Capo is a better to-go option. I need a BLT redo.
Shiso Unusual ($16) from Folia. This place is wild. Popped in after my slice at PIE.ZAA and I felt like I stepped through the looking glass into an ai-generated cocktail bar. The drink I ordered sounded interesting on paper but it ended up being overly sweet and overly foamy. I also ordered an espresso martini because, ya know, when in Rome…
I’ve been told Pizza Baby also has huge lunch slices but I didn’t make it over there last week, so I may do a follow-up to see if it disrupts the rankings. Any other big ass cheese triangles I should put on my radar?
Also, if you go to Benny’s anytime soon, look out for this work of art.
c u next tuesday,
the hag herself
All of the food and drinks reviewed in QCH are paid for by the author. This newsletter does not feature any ads or sponsored content.
I also questioned the criteria of that "pizza influencer" and was left wondering why he has such a huge following? Oh well.
We may be looking for different things in pizza but if you're ever in Durham, go to Pizzeria Toro. It's not a by-the-slice place, which may knock it off your list. It's also not nostalgic pizza in any way - it's just incredibly delicious. They use local ingredients, change up their offerings, have an incredible crust that's not just a topping delivery device.
Obsessed with the plate art...hag merch when?! Also Benny Pennello's will always have a place in my heart <3 Have been avoiding PIE.ZAA based on name alone but may need to try...