#25: H.A.G.S. ☀️
Personal pan pizzas, potato tornados, nachos by a river
The fun thing about living in The South™ is that you get to enjoy seasonal depression twice a year: once during the dark, cold winter months of January and February and then again in July, August, and I guess now June (??) when oppressive humidity seeps into every pore of your body. Mosquitos are sucking all your blood out. The ass sweat becomes untenable. And your HVAC is fighting for it’s life. It’s hell but I guess it’s our hell.
Last week, we let the hell wash over us in the Great Smoky Mountains, amongst the unwashed masses in Dollywood. I’m still recovering from the experience and I can’t say I recommend it to others. I had high hopes to walk away with a treasure trove of content about cinnamon bread and other culinary wonders of Dollywood and eastern Tennessee, but I was simply trying to survive.
All this set-up leads me to confess that I don’t have a typical newsletter for you this week. I was more focused on what my therapist calls “being present.” Still, I couldn’t leave my dedicated readers hanging (ILY). Plus, there was something unexpected we found on our trip that I knew I had to write about: Pizza Hut.
The Pizza Hut we stumble upon in Bryson City wasn’t just any Pizza Hut, but a Pizza Hut Classic. It had the same exposed brick walls and Tiffany lights you might remember from being a kid. There was a sad salad bar with plastic dressing ladles and crouton tongs (impossible to use!). Our server was even wearing a BOOK IT! t-shirt, which apparently still exists (if only in app form).
We told our kids about how back in the 90’s you could read books for free pizza and they looked at us like we'd told them we survived a concentration camp. I don’t know what would incentivize kids to read now, but I guess free small pizzas won’t cut it. Maybe if they were delivered via drone?
For me, an aging hag, it was a TREAT to sit under the ambient Pizza Hut light (romantic) and enjoy a personal pan pizza, alongside a plate of pale iceberg lettuce and possibly the worst ranch dressing you can find anywhere.
I know everyone’s Pizza Lord and Savior Dave Portnoy would take a steamy shit all over a Pizza Hut pizza but no one out pizzas the hut. It was inarguably delicious. Everything was as I remembered it. The cheese was piping hot and so gooey and soft it almost melted in your mouth. The crust was thick and soft with little crispies along the edge. I’m not religious but that was communion for me.
Maybe it’s sad for a highlight of your vacation to be eating a personal pan pizza in a Pizza Hut but it oddly makes sense to me. Back in 2019, I went to Paris with a friend and we ate McDonalds at 9 a.m. after we missed our train. That little burger and fries were like taking a Xanax.
I love trying cool restaurants and eating exciting, delicious food. But there’s something to be said for the familiar or nostalgic. When you’re feeling unmoored or simply out of your element, dipping back into food you grew up eating can be a salve. It can be grounding and reassuring, no matter how objectively not good it is.
My grandma used to make chicken and dumplings and whenever I find myself at a Cracker Barrel, that’s always what I order. Gravity Pizza in Camp North End serves Capri Sun Pacific Coolers, which immediately takes me back to summer pool days. If I want a taste of Ohio in Charlotte, Lupie’s Cafe makes Cincinnati Chili.
Similar to my general thoughts on pizza, any of these things being “good” is beyond the point. All that matters is that it scratches an itch. All that matters is that when you take a bite or a sip, you’re left with a feeling of home.
It’s really fun to eat something you’ve never tried before and have it blow your mind. I’d venture to say it’s equally fun to eat something that transports you to a time and place that now feels unreachable.
If my husband and I had been traveling alone, I’m sure our food choices would have been wildly different. I’ve learned that trips with kids are kind of a blur. I ate more chicken tenders and fries than I ever care to eat again. I also saw more band-aids floating in the wave pool than I ever care to see again.
But in between the chaos we watched “Toy Story” and made s’mores by a fire and ate personal pan pizzas. At times, I felt like I got to be the kid again and that’s pretty fucking fun.
5 things I consumed last week in Gatlinburg and beyond
“Nantahala Nachos” ($13.95) and “Raging Ranch Water” ($14.95) at Big Wesser Pub. Stopped at Nantahala Outdoor Center for lunch heading to Tennessee and it was honestly pretty lovely. The nachos were just ok but eating them next to a river definitely helped. Highly recommend ordering a cocktail and standing in the water.
A “Pacific Frose” ($14) from The Tower Bar at Anakeesta. If you ever dare to go to Gatlinburg, Anakeesta is a must-visit. It’s genuinely very cool. You ride a chair lift up to a little mountain village and there’s playgrounds, shops and restaurants. Reminds me of Disney. Everything is very well done
Buffalo chicken tenders and fries at Dollywood’s Splash Country. This was a huge mistake. These tenders were DRENCHED in buffalo sauce, which got everywhere. I envied our kids’ sauceless tenders while trying to eat these. Has amusement park food always been this bad?
A “Potato Tornado” at Dollywood. This photo does this potato tornado too much justice. There was no salt on this thing and it was not crispy like you want. There were also no toppings so we squirted some packets of mustard near it like peasants. The inside was a questionable gray color? Idk it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Turkey sandwich ($10.63) from Pasta and Provisions. After putting my body and colon THROUGH IT, we split this sandwich for lunch the day after we got home. A real treat to have some fresh lettuce and tomato and meat that didn’t require mental disassociation.
Don’t worry, we’re back to Charlotte food next week. I’m trying out SORA, the new restaurant in Myers Park, and thrilled to know there likely won’t be anything on the menu with “tornado” in the name. Look out for the full review next Tuesday.
c u next tuesday,
the hag herself
All of the food and drinks reviewed in QCH are paid for by the author. This newsletter does not feature any ads or sponsored content.
Honestly the pizza does look INCREDIBLE.